All The Hurt Inside
by lovedrreid
Summary: Title may change. Hotch/Reid. The team finds Reid after shooting somebody out of self defense, and they find the reason behind him being there in the first place. What can they do to help their young genius? R&R.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I got the inspiration after watching my OWN video that I made. It's a slash video between Hotch and Reid, and the more I tampered with the video, the more inspiration I got. I think this will be amazing. Plus, I will post the video on YouTube as soon as I'm done writing this as to not spoil the surprises. That and, the converters will not allow me to insert the video. If you would like to help, here's more description: When I try to insert my video to the converter, a notice pops up, okay, it says 'unable to insert media. Media file unsupported format.' Any help? If you help me, you'll make others happy. =)

Warning: Slash, nothing graphic. A lot of angst, again, nothing graphic.

Only pairing is Hotch and Reid that is already established at the beginning.

* * *

Prologue:

Reid POV:

I stood up from the leave covered ground, and notice what I had done, and not only what I had done, but also in front of my only family that may never forgive my undoubtedly wrong decisions. Before I have time to react to what they had seen me do, Aaron comes up to me with an already disappointed face that showed tears had been and still were shed. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, but I was hurting, hurting at the fact they hadn't noticed. They'd seen me shoot a man that was not only my supplier, but the one who nearly killed me after a wrong move. I know I shouldn't gamble and negotiate with my supplier, but I was running low on cash, and I wasn't going to be able to do anything else. He pulled a knife on me, but I was quicker. Self defense, I told myself, it was self defense. But even with those optimistic thoughts in my head, my subconscious mind wouldn't allow me to forget that what they saw after I'd shot him down. I couldn't imagine what they must've thought, seeing me kneeling over the built body in the leaves, reaching into the loose fitting jeans of the pale body and taking out to clear vials of a liquid they knew wasn't a harmless one. They knew my secret, they all knew, even Aaron. I didn't know what to do as I stood in shock as he approached me, seeing in the background the rest of the team leaving with tear filled eyes and regretful steps away from me, their shoulders stiff from the sadness and guilt over not realizing it sooner. It wasn't their fault though, I couldn't blame them... not for something that was my choice. And as he spoke to me softly, I couldn't hear anything, only the sounds of the wind rustling against the leaves and the howl in the sky, almost as if a wolf would be in a full moon, but that would've been too cliché for the mood of the moment. And, not looking up, even after my name is spoken more than once, gradually getting stiffer until he nearly yells it in my face using my first, middle, and last name. Spencer Samuel Reid, I thought... he never used my full name except for once before. I knew I should look up, but just couldn't force myself to look into his sad, bloodshot eyes. He notices that I acknowledge him talking to me, and begins with one statement that he'll help me through this, stating it true with a kiss on the lips. I finally meet his eyes and see the guilt and regret, then pull away. I couldn't do that to him right now. He doesn't need to take responsibility over me... never. Not after what I made him witness. Again, he talks soothingly into my ear, and I actually make myself listen and comprehend what he's saying. It's the least I could do. I didn't even think he'd want to be around me after what I made him witness... I thought he was going to fire me at the spot, leaving me to fend for myself in court in attempt to explain a junkie going to deal, and the deal going wrong. I'd surely end up in prison without a valid witness, and I was surely no exception in any way considering I'm hooked to the Drug Store Heroin, Dilaudid.

"Spencer Samuel Reid... You know everything will be alright, and I'll help you get over this. We'll do it together. You'll go to court and have all of us as a witness... I assure you, nothing will happen. I promise." The last two words really struck me and brainwashed my mind as he walked me to the SUV to sit down as the sirens annoying sound came from a distance and the medics from the inside jumping out. And after checking the pulse, and attempt to revive him, to no avail, did he wake up. They took him away in the ambulance, and after asked a few questions by police, I was allowed to leave and go back home... but that was another place I didn't want to go. I knew I'd have to talk about it, the big IT. My problem, and how we're going to do it together as Aaron said.

Before leaving, the team gathered one last look at me, their eyes sadder than when they'd seen me. I figure it was just the shock of the events, and the realization settling into place as a puzzle would. After the moments of seemingly paused motion and fast forward emotion, we were all gathering our thoughts and gaining the muscle to move from our places and go back home. I rode with Aaron alone. I guess the rest of them figured we'd need time for just ourselves at the moment. I'm glad for the less presence of stares, but I knew there's be a hell of a lot of talking to do. And as the first minutes of peace were quiet, the first word spoken was from Aaron.

"Reid, you..."

"I'm really sorry Hotch... I... I just didn't know what to do. I didn't mean to kill him." Hotch raised a hand as he hit the brakes hard, pulling to the side of the road and exploding into a mass of anger, guilt, and sadness.

"Reid..." He called me by my last name, something he never did outside of work. "You could've been hurt. That's not what I'm worried about. What I'm worried about is your health and this shit with your problem. I've done a lot for you... what is it I haven't done to make you want to forget... to want to feel numb? Am I not good enough for you? Please, tell me what it is so I can change that... please, just tell me, God, just tell me." By the end of it, his voice was inaudible, and he was choking on his own breaths with his head placed lightly on the steering wheel.

"It's not you... it's complicated... it's... I'll tell you tomorrow... I'm just really tired right now." He took a few minutes to compose himself, and when he did, he just nodded simply and pulled the car from the side of the rode and resumed their ride.

And in all the other SUVs, they all wondered the same thing, what was happening to their boy-genius?

A/N: I know, it was really descriptive and full of angst, but I promise you, this is not what all of the story's about. Trust me, it's way more complicated then that. Please review and receive sooner updates. Love you all!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hi hi, sorry i took so long to update... I've been so into Relief I've forgotten all about this one. =P

* * *

When the two got back to the apartment, not a word was said as they trudged into the apartment. Hotch didn't want to have the talk they were about to, but he knew he had to do it, for the team's sake, and more importantly, their relationship. He didn't want that to turn to ashes because of an addiction. He knew there was going to be struggles and arguments, and if it got bad, names would be called and regretful things would be said, or yelled, in that matter. Reid curled up on the couch and didn't look at anything but his hands, which were in his lap. Hotch sat down and wrapped an arm around him.

"You're going to have to talk about it sooner or later." Hotch pressed gently.

"There's nothing to talk about." Reid said almost inaudibly.

"You know there is. We have to talk about it... right now. I know why you were there, and you know why you were there. We both know what happened. You need to admit it though." Hotch said. Reid sat for a minute or two thinking about how he could glamorize it to make the situation better than it really was. He couldn't though. This wasn't good at all. Hotch knew all his tactics of lying... that's what happened when you got into a close relationship. You either spill all your secrets, even those dark ones that should never be let out of their place, or you lie a lot, and he'll know everything about your ways of lying. Reid knew it was C, all the above. Hotch was a better profiler, making him better at determining a lie between an honest statement. Reid thought all this out, and realized, he was in a load of shit. He didn't know what to do at this point.

"Well, what's there to say. I admit I was there... I killed a man, which I didn't want to do, out of self-defense, and it's not making me feel any less guilty. I admit to the reason I was there. That good enough for you?" Reid asked. Hotch stared at Reid for long moments without blinking, then leaned over to hug him tightly.

"You could have been killed..." Hotch began. "And doing that... I feel almost as if deja vu is occuring... you seem to always get into deathly situations. But this, this was your own... you knew how dangerous it was to do that... I just don't understand why you'd do something so stupid. You know you have to quit using. Family or not, I'll have to fire you if you don't quit. You know that right?" Hotch asked.

"I do... I just... I knew what I was getting into. I didn't think you'd be this upset about that more than the issue with my addiction."

"I'm as upset. Not more, not less, equally. I still don't know why you'd do something so stupid."

"It's hard... you don't understand." Reid said quietly, looking back down at his hands. Hotch hugged him tightly again and whispered in his ear.

"We'll get through this together, you know that." Reid nodded into Hotch's shoulder. "We should get to bed. We have work tomorrow." Hotch stood and noticed Reid didn't move. "Spencer... come on." Hotch took Reid's hand and pulled him up and half dragged him to the bedroom. Reid laughed a little.

"Hey... you're gonna make me trip on something." Hotch just smiled.

"Then walk!"

"I'd walk if you'd let me." Hotch let go of Reid's hand, to which, he fell on the ground. Reid tried to glare at Hotch, but was quickly replaced with a laugh.

"Well... what was I supposed to do?"

"Stop!" Reid suggested as he stood. They both walked into their bedroom smiling. And soon after, they were dressed in their pajamas and sound asleep.

* * *

The next morning Reid woke up and felt dizzy. He figured it was the withdrawal starting become present. Reid so didn't want to tell Hotch that, though, so he kept quiet and got ready for work. Soon after his second cup of coffee that morning, Hotch walked out of the room with his pajamas still on and his eyes half closed.

"I couldn't sleep well." Reid said as Hotch sat down across from him at the table.

"I figured as much... how are you doing?"

"Huh? Oh alright." Reid lied. He knew it wasn't wise to lie to a profiler, but he just couldn't expose his secret. Hotch would definitely take him off the team, at least for one case. He didn't want to do that. He had to make his life somewhat normal, and being taken off work for a drug addiction wasn't normal, at least for him. Reid stood and got Hotch a cup of coffee, to which Hotch gratefully took. Nothing was said as the two sipped their steaming hot coffee.

"I'm going to go get ready. One question... will you be able to come to work? I mean I'm not sure if you're ready to..."

"I'm fine..." Reid reassured the older profiler. Hotch studied him for a second with reluctance on his face. He turned and went to his room again.

Later, he came out dressed in his usual suit. Reid smiled to himself. Things weren't going too bad. He'd thought Hotch would fire him and divorce, but he hadn't... it was true to him, that Hotch really did love Reid. Nothing was said as they rode to the BAU. They were both lost in their own thoughts about how the day would go. Reid's mind was focused on what everybody else would say to him. He didn't want to have to face the disappointment in their eyes like he had last night. He SO didn't want to do that. He just wished he could be by himself with a needle and vial of his precious liquid. He quickly shook the thought as they arrived at the BAU. Reid hoped it had all just been a dream, and when he woke up, he'd be able to go to the bathroom and shoot up again, but it so wasn't the case.  
-

When Reid hesitantly walked into the BAU, all eyes were on him. Like he'd suspected, Hotch would go quickly to his office, and leave Reid to settle with the disappointed eyes. He tried to smile, but it was useless. They know, he'd tell himself. He was grateful when Morgan walked up to him and smiled.

"You gonna be alright?" Reid nodded. "Good, because I think we have a case, and we'll need your help..." Reid nodded once again. "Hey, I need to talk to you in private though..." Reid looked up at Hotch's office, at the rest of the team who glanced at him, then back at Morgan. He followed Morgan to the break room where it was isolated from any other's that might intrude on their conversation.

"What is it?" Reid asked.

"Gideon's going crazy. He's blaming himself over this all. I think you should talk to him." Reid nodded.

"Just remember he has a reason to. I screwed up bad... but it's going to be alright. You believe me don't you?"

"Yeah, kid... I do. I trust you." Morgan walked back to the bullpen. Reid sighed and rubbed his eyes. A headache was setting in and he hoped he'd be alright for the case.

When they were in the conference room, Reid had expected all eyes to be on him, but they weren't. They only glanced at him, and turned their attention to JJ, who started the briefing before they'd be heading to the jet. Reid watched Gideon, and by doing that, he realized he was being watched by the older profiler as well. They both looked away and turned the attention back to JJ right when it was time to go to the jet.

* * *

Once they were on the jet, Reid sat with Gideon at the back away from everyone else. Gideon looked at him and smiled weakly.

"It's not your fault, you know." Reid said aimlessly.

"I know... I just-I should have noticed." Gideon said guiltily.

"That's what you think now. You didn't realize the signs before, neither did anyone else... it wasn't your fault."

"How are you doing?" Gideon asked after a moment.

"I'm struggling, but I'll make it." Gideon recognized those words from after a case... which only made him feel more guilty that he didn't piece it together. He only nodded and smiled again. He thought somehow his words weren't true. He did believe he was struggling, but he doubted he would make it. He just had that instinct things were going to go very wrong, but he did know one thing... he had to trust Reid, and he just had to wait and see what happens.

* * *

After a while of getting settled on the jet, they gathered to go over the case. Reid sat by Hotch next to the window while the rest were sitting in adjacent seats. Reid tried to pay attention, but he still thought about what he'd done to the man, and what would be done about it. He was sure everything would be alright, but he'd be asked the questions as to why he was there, and that's what he was fearing the most. He couldn't tell the truth, nor could he lie. It was a big conflict. Reid was snapped out of his thoughts and worries when Hotch asked him a question.

"What?" He asked.

"Do you see connection between the victims?" Hotch repeated his question.

Reid looked at the pictures. One was a blunt-force trauma to the head, major concussion cause of death. Pretty young woman with brunette hair and green eyes. Second victim was a blitz attack with gun. Attack from rear. She was a little older, however blonde hair and blue eyes. He didn't see anything common between the two. The third was different also. It was male, late forties, totally different. Stabbed to death and multiple gunshot wounds everywhere. Obvious overkill, which meant rage and a close relationship. Reid still could see the connection.

"No..." Reid said sadly. He didn't look at anyone. They were all quiet for a minute, but they resumed going over the case. Truth was that they didn't think Reid was able to handle the job at the moment, but not one of them was willing to admit that. They just wanted to dismiss the hard truth that their youngest was a drug addict.

Hotch, for the rest of the ride, kept a close eye on him. He noticed how he struggled to keep his mind on earth and fight the tears from leaving his eyes. He knew he couldn't comfort him while on duty, but he just wanted Reid to know he wasn't alone.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: well, I'm back with this fic again. I guess you could say I need to update more, I need to write better, and I need to get a life. haha.

When they landed, Hotch gave orders for the team. Emily and Morgan would go with JJ to meet the detective, and Gideon, Hotch, and Reid would go to the latest crime scene. Gideon and Hotch both kept a close eye on Reid, which Reid did notice. It didn't bother him, until they were barely focusing on the case, although he had room to talk, though.

"Guys, please. Just pay more attention to the case." They reluctantly took their eyes off him and back on the crime scene. Reid knew they weren't going to get anywhere with a withdrawing addict on the case, so he was contemplating explanations for not helping on the case, and he was drawn to an end. He couldn't think of anything other than the truth to tell Hotch. He wouldn't be able to lie to him. Reid didn't throw facts at them, heck, he didn't even know entirely what was going on at the moment. He was still thinking of ways to be let off the case.

"Reid, you alright?" Hotch asked. Reid nodded.

"Just a headache." Gideon and Hotch looked at each other with concerned looks.

"Maybe when we're done here, you should go rest at the hotel." Reid was about to argue, but Hotch stopped him. "I'm not suggesting you rest." Reid nodded and looked back to the crime scene. He still couldn't piece any of it together, though he may have been able to if he'd been paying attention. He knew there were three victims, and they weren't connected in any way. Almost too soon, Hotch was taking him into the hotel room and shutting the door behind him. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well?" Hotch asked a little too meanly.

"I don't know, I guess I just didn't want you to take me off the case."

"Well, coming in and working, and making the team look bad didn't cross your mind did it?" Reid shook his head. "I'm taking you off this case. You're to stay in this room until we're done. I can't have you making the police here suspect you of anything."

"Okay, I get that you're mad, but I just don't get you. You're being such an..."

"We're at work, so it doesn't matter whether we're in a relationship or not. I will not have any rumors getting to Strauss about this team..." Reid nodded sadly and looked down.

"I'm sorry..."

"Look at me..." Reid did as he was told. "I love you... but don't lie to me ever again about something like this. You promise?" Reid nodded. "Okay." Hotch gave him a small kiss before he left, leaving Reid hurt, despite Hotch's intentions for the better. He didn't want to disappoint his family. He didn't want to end his relationship with Hotch that he worked so hard for... but the longing for the drug was too intense for his body to rattle off, and for him to forget every second it haunted his brain of the thoughts of the numbness... the forgetting, and no pain. He couldn't take it any longer. He looked in his bag, and fortunately for him, he still had enough left for four more doses, that's all. Small ones at that. He'd make them last. He took a needle and filled it. And skillfully, he tied his arm off, letting the veins make themselves present before he inserted the needle into a vein. Almost instantly he felt the cool liquid rush through his body, and numbing every nerve ending in his body. He felt good. Really good. He felt happy at the blissful ignorance the high gave him.

When he woke up, it was only half an hour later at almost noon. He quickly took care of everything and put it back where it had been before he shot up. He felt better, and his mind was clear. He felt he could think again, and that the spiderwebs that were previously there seemed to vanish.

The remaining hours he spent watching t.v. and reading. It felt like forever to Reid. He just wanted to help on the case, but sadly, that wasn't going to happen. Finally, at about ten at night, Hotch walked in with better mood. Reid didn't look at him, he just continued to read.

"How are you doing?" Hotch asked.

"Fine." Hotch raised a brow. He took note that Reid didn't even look up. At first, it looked like he was just reading, and that would've explained it, but he looked closer and noticed he wasn't reading at all. Reid was using it as a cover up. Hotch sat down and forced Reid to look up at him. That's when he noticed Reid's eyes were slightly dilated. He knew it wasn't just a coincidence like the light was making his pupils appear larger.

"Reid... I thought I could trust you."

"What do you mean?" Reid asked quietly.

"You know what I mean. I thought I could trust you not to do this." Hotch sighed. "Is it me? Because we can break up. I just want YOU to be happy, and if you're not happy with me, then I don't care."

"It's not you. You don't understand, nor ever will, so stop acting like you care."

"I'm not acting. I DO care, but I don't know what to do. I have a job, and I can't watch you 24/7. If I can't trust you, then I have no choice than to take you off the team."

"Wait... Hotch. Please don't."

"Reid, you're suspended until you stop using. I'm sorry, but I have no other choice. I can't have this getting around I'm letting a drug addict work for the BAU." Hotch said sadly.

"Whatever." Reid said.

"Spencer... you know that I do love you right?" Reid nodded and sighed. "But I do care about you. Whatever I do is for your benefit... you do know that right?" Reid nodded again. Hotch took Reid in his arms tightly.

Hotch stood and went to Reid's go-bag. "Wait... don't... please." Reid begged. Hotch ignored him. Reid sat back and wished it was all just a nightmare. Hotch confiscated a vial of dilaudid and needles. Reid didn't look Hotch in the eyes as he poured the drug down the sink and broke the syringes.

"I will not tolerate this. You have to stop doing this." Hotch laid down and turned the light off. Reid immediately got up and put his shoes on. "Where are you going?"

"For a walk."

"I told you, you aren't allowed to leave this room."

"I don't care." Reid said as he opened the door. Hotch closed it before he could leave. "Let me leave."

"No, I don't trust you." Reid glared at him.

"Let. Me. Leave." Reid ordered not too nicely.

"I will not tolerate you not taking orders. You will not leave." Reid opened the door and stepped out. Hotch just sighed. There was nothing he could do but hope he wouldn't do anything stupid.

Reid knocked quietly on Gideon's door. It was quickly answered.

"Spencer, what is it?" Gideon asked quietly.

"Gideon... I have a headache. You have any Advil or something?" Gideon looked at him oddly.

"Do you think that's safe?" Gideon asked.

"Not really, but I have a really bad headache. Please Gideon. I just got into a fight with Hotch, and I have a really bad headache." Gideon pulled Reid into his room.

"Are you sure it's a headache. Or do you just want to forget?" Gideon asked as he pulled a bottle of advil out.

"I'm not sure." Gideon handed Reid two pills and a glass of water. "Thanks."

"You wanna talk about it." Reid shook his head while rubbing his arm. "I have a feeling I know why you two got into a fight." Reid sat down next to Gideon.

"It's hard. I do try, but..." Gideon nodded. He rubbed his eyes.

"You should get some sleep."

"I don't wanna go back... I don't like it when he's angry at me."

"He's not. He's angry at himself. He doesn't know what to do. Don't let his emotions trick you into thinking he doesn't love you." Reid stood.

"Thanks Gideon." Gideon nodded and patted his shoulder.

Instead of going back to the hotel room, Reid walked to a nearby bar. He just needed to clear his head.  
-

Hotch sat on the bed, and every second he sat there, he was worried. He didn't know if Reid was doing something he shouldn't, or just clearing his head. He needed to know, but he didn't have a clue where he'd be.

A/N: Yeah, short. Don't kill me please.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Oh wow how I have not updated in very long, like a year. Oh my gosh I am so sorry. I wouldn't blame you all for not reading anymore. But still gotta stick with it.

Hotch sat on his bed and hoped Spencer would be smart enough to choose family and job over his newfound interest. He'd hoped Spencer would take a reality walk that night and realize what he's been doing to himself and his team...family. But most of all, he'd hope Spencer would forgive him for not being strong enough for the both of them. He'd loved Spencer so dearly, but everything seemed so hopeless anymore, like there was no solution. He couldn't stand the constant foot tapping and choked breathing... left the room and walked up the street hoping to find him and talk him down if need be. Darkness had just been creeping around the corner and sun setting perfectly. It would have been a good night to just be with each other, a walk in the sun, and happiness. Nothing but happiness... but this was so not the case, if anything, the exact opposite. A nightmare.

After only a few minutes of searching, he decided to just rest himself in the local bar and hope for the best. He could trust Spencer somewhat. Always think of the positives, he'd told himself, but every day seeing his love in pain and not being able to do anything about it killed the optimism little by little. He walked in and first look noticed Spencer sitting at the bar waiting for a drink. Maybe that wasn't so smart since he'd still had the narcotic in his system, so he quickly told the bartender not to serve it. Spencer jumped when he'd heard Hotch's voice, surprise quickly turning to annoyance.

"What do you want?" He asked coldly, as if he was talking to some rude stranger on the streets.

"Spencer, please... don't do this to yourself. Don't kill yourself like this. Just come back with me to the hotel and we can talk it over. Just please don't put yourself in that kind of danger."

"Why should I care about what I do to myself. I'm already in enough pain. So what's the point? I try and love you and it's never enough." Spencer said while clearly upset and fighting tears.

"Then don't do this to me if you love me. Let me take your pain away. Please." Hotch begged so quietly, Spencer could barely hear him. It was unusual and hadn't heard him speak this way before. It broke his heart he'd done this to the person he loved most. Is this what he was doing to the rest of the team, his family, as well? Were they this heartbroken? He'd felt the pang of guilt and let the tears stream down his face. He nodded, agreeing to go back to the hotel with him. Hotch put an arm around him as they both walked back to the hotel together. Both had tears on their face that they quickly wiped away.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you or anyone. I'm so... so... destructable! I ruin everything! Even if I don't want to I always find a way!"

"Shh, Spence... it'll be okay... you don't ruin everything. I promise. I love you more than anything and wouldn't lie to you about this. You're something beautiful to all our lives and to live life without you, well I wouldn't be able to do it. Please forgive yourself. Please." Hotch begged once again. An emotional rollercoaster like this made them both nauseous.

"How can I?" He asked, wiping tears with his sleeve.

"Start by not using. You do that and you'll feel a lot better. It'll take time to get over, but I'll be here for you. Forever, so will the team. We all love you and anything you need to get better, we'll do our best. Please."

"I'll try." He said uneasily.

"That's all I'm asking for is you to try and give it your best. Thank you."

Hotch pulled Spencer into a fierce hug, not wanting to let go in fear of losing him completely if he wasn't ready for this. He hadn't been ready for it anymore than the night he first tasted the drug. It never failed. Always been there for him when he needed it and always fulfilled the need itself. It was hard to let go of something so reliable, yet so destructive. He knew it would be alright if he could just get away from her, the drug, and things could possibly be normal again, but it was always easier said than done.

A/N: omg so long. So sorry. So. if you guys could help me out. I went to an Alice Cooper concert and signed up for a competition. Most likes on my picture and I get a Fender guitar signed by Alice Cooper, Willie Nelson, and TI! I need about 150 more likes by Thursday. If you could go on FB and go to Grand Rapids Social Diary, like the page, go to Alice Cooper RockStar guitar album on that page and like the picture tagged as MiKayla Emily Heiden I will love you all forever and promise to start updating more often. Please, please please please help me win this guitar!


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